What I Do

The silliest truth of all is that writing is not helping me now. Writing hasn’t been rewarding. It isn’t hiding the fact that I am dumb. There are no noble truths behind my choice to study Philosophy. I just wanted to obscure the fact that I am futureless. Philosophy only tranquilizes my thoughts on who I’m going to become in the future, and it painlessly absolves me of dreams of getting rich. It’s an alibi for having lost a “serious,” business-inclined ambition. So I finally realized why I’m studying again. I’m the dumbest ass alive.
Language limits us to the reality that language itself construes. Language is pounding the word numskull in my head.

Resolutely floating aimlessly can make you drift from one drinking binge to another. I miss drinking alone. You don’t have to worry about anything when you say something embarrassing. You can only embarrass yourself to yourself. And yes, I’ve been reading a little Sartre again. Hell is other people. No Exit was fantastic.

I wonder how I manage to say things sometimes: “Depressed people are people who don’t get life’s cosmic joke.” I don’t even get it. Haha.


What I do:
- Study Philosophy, since its midterm this week. I’ve recently learned that the reason why I’m studying, is because I’m so stupid I have to study again. I can’t even understand Kristeva and Lacan on my own. But I’ll probably feel better after getting agreeable remarks on the papers I write. I hope I do.
- Stay sober. Although it won’t be long till I’m inebriated again.
- Look sloppy. Dyaneh says she misses me in office attire. Is it a subtle way of telling me to go work? I just realized how much I look like the houseboy all the time. Not that I’m trying to wring people’s apathy, but I’d love it if they think I’m a houseboy.
- Read, listen. Most recent read: Kiss of the Spiderwoman (Manuel Puig). Who wouldn’t have grown a fondness for a Marxist revolutionary and a gay window-dresser talking about movies all day in an Argentine prison?
- Job Interviews. I don’t even take Call Centers seriously anymore, especially when they make you wait too long as if they had no regard for their prospective employee’s time, only to offer less than what you previously earned. I just put up with a minimum, job interview decorum. After four worn years, you really wouldn’t be that eager to work at entry level again.
- Spend less. The only consistent law I have ever known in economics, the only one I have put into practice, is that when you have less, you spend less. If you have more, you spend more.
- Dawdle. To be idle, to was time, to procrastinate.