Conversations with an 8-year old

Walking home from school.

Son: What's that enormous tree?
Father: It's a banana tree.
Son: Why is it so enormous?
Father: Why are you so tiny?
Son: Well, it's a combination of genetics and my protein intake.
Father: Good answer.

How I Ended Up Not Killing Myself

My apologies to the many people who are suffering from depression. None of whom are probably reading this. I write this for me, and with purest intentions for people other than me who might have come across the same thoughts. And forgive me for drawing so much attention to myself. 

How? I imagined I was dead. A soul hovering over my life on a day like today, like the past few days, or the past few years.

I drank a few bottles with D. some nights ago and we finished a bag of chips, reviewing, reminiscing our day, assessing, analyzing, almost as if praying for ourselves. It's been fifteen years, our love has reached a level that neither artificial intelligence nor human intelligence can fathom.

I spend an incredible amount of time with my children. V. could almost form whole sentences. She stares at you with eyes that would make any soul sparkle. I walked with I. again from his school today. He's already more brilliant than I am and I want to keep bearing witness to this brilliance.

I walk a lot, and perhaps it's true that you avoid depression if you move your legs more. It is my privilege to run often. 56 km so far this month, and there's 12 more days of October.

Work is not always easy but it is unbelievably good. I've established genuine connections with people, done right from a desk at home, swimming through as data in undersea fiber-optic cables.

I sometimes/often drink at night, but always in moderate amounts as I can't have the privilege of hangovers. I Netflix often, read the books sometimes, and write all too rarely.

Tonight was vodka and soda water. It's wonderful, light, yet clear with what it wants to accomplish. The right level of relaxed, mindful tipsiness. Unlike beer or whisky, there's no obvious flavor apart from the subtle hint of alcohol. But it softens your limbs, cools you down and wipes the weariness away.

Look at that journal. Do one thing every day that scares you. I haven't killed myself. That should be enough.

Life is incredibly unreal, my hovering soul says.

Business Review

There are no empty spaces between the hours of the day. But I'm not burning a candle on both ends. And I'm not burning out.

The first Saturday class begins at 8am. Today, we discuss a Business Insider article about workspaces. T. talks about a leading beer company's headquarters in Tokyo. The highlight of which is an "affordable" beer-on-tap and Nika whisky (relative to the beer prices in Azakusa), along with the whole roster of drinks the company brews.

On the next class, O talks about his recent trip to the company HQ in Germany. He sends me some photos. He's a high-level executive at an ERP solutions company, the third largest in software related services. He's been a student for two years, a promoter who's endorsed some referrals.

M.'s absent today so I get to enjoy an un-rushed breakfast of dilis, fried rice, hotdogs and eggs. An hour or so more of morning classes then I'll be picking up the laundry then up on the roof cleaning the drain pipes, patching up leaks with quick-dry sealants. I'm calling the co-working space companies to reserve a seat.

We're off to a play in the afternoon and V. and I. look terrific in their Sunday-best outfits. We're watching Repertory Philippines' Rapunzel, sponsored by D.'s high school.  We head off to greenbelt, but before watching the play I've got 2 hours of classes at a co-working space in Paseo de Roxas, just a few hundred meters away from Greenbelt. They are closed on Saturdays, but a Senior Marketing Manager was kind enough to accommodate me in a conference room in time for the 230 class.

I finish in time to make it to the 430 curtain. It's been a while since I've watched a Repertory Philippines play and I just realized how strange the English accents are. Maybe I sound just as strange as that.

V.'s too young for this play so we walk along Greenbelt. It's like a satellite date on a family date and I'm feeling over the moon. We go to a toy store and I show her toy giraffes, crocodiles, pandas and dinosaurs. We share a bag of 40-peso mini donuts. We head back home, driving thru McDonald's for dinner because we're rushing and for the 7pm class. I. stays in the room with me and I can smell his McDonald's fart.

I finish early tonight. I spend a few minutes to look at some pictures of places this job, or rather, my own business has taken me.

And I'm taking this cheap laptop of mine to Japan in November. I buy a drink, play lofi hiphop, wondering how differently would beer taste like in an Izakaya.

Weary or Wise

Books. How they remind you how to both think and feel.

Running. How it proves that pain is conquerable, that you you can overcome. Sometimes even with ease.

Pantheism. How we are everything. How our boundless joy is just as terrifying as endless sorrow.

If a younger or a wiser man read Siddhartha (Herman Hesse) earlier in life, perhaps he would have sat under a tree and contemplated upon asceticism, Buddhism, critiquing modernity, loquacious living or the misinterpretation of religious teachings. He would have dug deep into the whys with full use of his faculties. Probably getting many things wrong.

Jairus, 37 years, sees himself as the ferryman. He's listening to what other people are saying, he wants to listen to what the river is saying. He's hasn't quite figured it out yet.

I still fancy highlighting some beautiful annotations.I am still fascinated by words, but I don't think I'm any wiser now. But I'm just certainly less tired.

The Rumbling Inside

a volcano burns
all the bottled up what-ifs
spewing it all

When my loved ones are asleep, it's terrific to be back in this island.

I dig up time capsules with the help of blue note jazz, grunge, chillout. I travel to contemporary Egypt by way of a book. I drink one drink that won't get me drunk.

I discover more of who I am, in this river that keeps changing. Now that I managed to rid my life of so many stresses, I don't want to spoil myself. Do more for D., for V., for I. For others. For my country. Yes, I think of them in this island.

I look at what I have, it's not so much. But how I love it all. How I'm no longer rumbling with the what-ifs.

(Undelivered) Groom's Man Speech

from the viber archives

I stand here alone, but I also carry the many well-wishes from where I come from, friends and relatives who love J. like a brother, and who would given M. the warmest welcome and best wishes on this most special day. When he was young, J. has taught me many things. He also shared his toys, his family computer, and we shared many experiences that taught me about life. He has always shared his happiness, and that it is possible to live life while having so much laughter. Because of M., J. is the luckiest person we know.

J. and M. find themselves here today, on the threshold of a new life in which their destinies, which began in different parts of the world, are about to be entwined for the rest of their days.

 Enjoy each other, J. and M. Enjoy the rest of your lives as you have enjoyed this day.