Sins of Abandonment

I was amused by Russell Brand's Revolution, and I admired his enthusiasm in speaking boldly against the horrors of capitalism - even if the book was largely a an exposition of other books or a re-telling of other people's opinions. I picked up the second installment of his Biography (Booky Wook 2) in Book Sale, examined it, and I thought I can read leisurely without turning one hundred percent of my brain on for the fair price of 125 pesos. He's had a very interesting life. I thought it was written in the same amusing language and spirited tone: 

Before I ejaculate I'm a fervid, febrile mass of sexual energy. I'll do anything, I'm demonically sexy. After I cum I'm guilty little berk in a sweaty tank top. "Good heavens, Mother, what have I done." I wonder why the chemical change is so dramatic." 

I do at least give my squandered ejaculant a dignified mourning. Picture the funeral of ten million sperm, a congregation of grief-drunk mourners yelping and shrieking, sticking their fingers up their asrses --- a sepulchral carnival, a festival of mournography.

Halfway through the book, he's still maundering on the VMA awards and the Big Brother show and the turn-off-your-brain fun I gather from Ruzzy wuzzy wanes and eventually wicks off. After skipping some pages and browsing through what I thought was an interesting e-mail exchange with Morrissey, I decided to commit the sin of leaving a book unfinished.

There are too many gems and too little time. I barely paid anything for the book anyway.

I'm sorry, Russell, but after Revolution, you probably wouldn't read your own booky wook. I trust earnestly that you haven't abandoned the principles and the actions you shaped in Revolution, the way I'm closing Booky Wooky 2 now.

20 Things I Would Have Told the 20-Something Me

1. Cheap perfume is an absolute waste of your money. 

2. Listen more. Speak less. Write always. 

3. Books are the finest version of people. It's more rewarding to stay with them. 

4. No, you've never been there and you've never done that. 

5. People with money are just lucky. 

6. Quit smoking earlier. 

7. Get life insurance and a memorial plan earlier. 

8. Stock-up on books. You'll need bigger bookshelves. 

9. Don't buy DVDs. The digital copies will be eventually free. 

10. Back-up your MP3 collection and physically list down your playlists. Don't rely on iPods. 

11. Notebooks and fountain pens will not be out of fashion. But a Moleskine is overrated and overpriced. There will be classy-enough knock-offs. 

12. You will need a good coffee press and manual grinder. You overrated drip coffee.

13. Marriage and children are the best things that ever happened to you. 

14. Don't buy cheap shoes. A good leather, high-quality pair can last you a lifetime.  

15. You will acquire too many jackets and sweaters. 

16. Your razor does not need four blades, not even three blades. 

17. When running, apply Virgin Coconut Oil to areas where chaffing occurs. 

18. Discipline yourself to stop at four drinks. 

19. Run some more. The 30-something you ran stronger. 

20. You lost a lot of money paying for the interest of a 5-year car plan. 

My Intense Fragility, Vaguely

The occasional trouble with being happy is that it makes you complacent. It makes you wane, it makes you unprepared for misery. Your skills in handling conflict, your competitive spirit flats out. The danger of being happy is that you no longer yearn for a heightened sense of power. A paranoia grows inside you like a tumor, balling up into a fear that you will lose the joy you've been clutching tightly. Perhaps it's also selfish, because even without a sense of righteousness, how can I remain with my one joy while others live in constant disharmony?

We will perish. We will all prune, we will wither, but we will live this way all over again. We dwell on the reasons why, even as our wick runs out, we seek out and share kindness. While I have been sad, I have been more than fortunate, and I have not failed to carry out what I see as my duty. 

Harnessing an inner strength requires constant seeking and re-definition. I've already found my core reasons to live. I've recognized my fragility, but I will not slide down to thinking that I am less stern.

These Scattered Pieces

My sweat drips profusely and I'm still catching my breath after running a 5:47 4k at the treadmill. Tremendous, even after 470ml of black Sumatra coffee earlier this afternoon and a slice of classic chocolate cake that I could barely finish. This morning, after 9 years of wanting to watch it, we finally saw the Cinemalaya hit 'Endo' on iFlix (for free on my 30-day trial). D. and I gushed so much, we love each other even more. Spotify plays Ceejay Sagarino's Home Away From Home. I sway with it. My smart watch distracts me with a notification and it says I hit another perfect 5-5-5 survey at "work?" I'm paid less, but I never felt so rich, even talented. I run almost 3 times a week, read almost 2 books a month, finish TV series and films like they were breakfast. After so many years I finished a short story. Maybe I'll finish a collection before I'm forty. I drive I. to work everyday and we play games about the periodic table of elements, tell stories, race to the gate when we get home. But the best part of the day is when you giggle when I tell you good morning. And when you cried so much, I hushed you. You slept my chest while I recited poetry with its powerful yet quiet efficacy. I caught another love that is better than romantic, as if my heart will not feel another depressed beat.

Oh and I just finished hanging the laundry at 130am. Before I sleep tonight, I will whisper to their ears, don't worry about the future.

Recent, Most Tender Memories of Earth

It's two in the morning and I'm hanging onesies, mittens, cloth diapers, boots, towels, and swaddles to the clothesline. The fragrance of Perwoll detergent heightens my senses. I never expected to love doing chores, until I found true reasons to celebrate why and who I'm doing it for. How can we let a stranger do it? How can we let a stranger stare into your eyes and shape your forming soul as we dance you to sleep? These days, we do it ourselves.

It's four in the afternoon and we had cake and snacks in your school with your classmates. On the way out of the gate, you were still wearing the party-hat crown we cut ourselves and holding the balloons that we pumped ourselves. We printed your own stickers and invitations. Everyone around the school gate sang for you, the higher grades, the preschoolers. You had the widest smile in the world. "I got greeted a million times." You said.

It's eleven on a Saturday night. Our children were finally, both asleep. We fire up the laptop, plug on our earphones and watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory while eating instant noodles in mugs and drinking beer at the edge of the bed. Just like those nights when you woke up at 1am so we can watch the latest Game of Thrones after I finish work.

Everyday gives me a reason not to leave Earth, the reason that makes me think I've had it all if I had to meet my end at this very moment.

We All Live in a Cave

this is the city
where carve out our own caves
to hide from each other