The Rumbling Inside

a volcano burns
all the bottled up what-ifs
spewing it all

When my loved ones are asleep, it's terrific to be back in this island.

I dig up time capsules with the help of blue note jazz, grunge, chillout. I travel to contemporary Egypt by way of a book. I drink one drink that won't get me drunk.

I discover more of who I am, in this river that keeps changing. Now that I managed to rid my life of so many stresses, I don't want to spoil myself. Do more for D., for V., for I. For others. For my country. Yes, I think of them in this island.

I look at what I have, it's not so much. But how I love it all. How I'm no longer rumbling with the what-ifs.

(Undelivered) Groom's Man Speech

from the viber archives

I stand here alone, but I also carry the many well-wishes from where I come from, friends and relatives who love J. like a brother, and who would given M. the warmest welcome and best wishes on this most special day. When he was young, J. has taught me many things. He also shared his toys, his family computer, and we shared many experiences that taught me about life. He has always shared his happiness, and that it is possible to live life while having so much laughter. Because of M., J. is the luckiest person we know.

J. and M. find themselves here today, on the threshold of a new life in which their destinies, which began in different parts of the world, are about to be entwined for the rest of their days.

 Enjoy each other, J. and M. Enjoy the rest of your lives as you have enjoyed this day.

They Honor Their Hosts

I have always been grateful not only for the honor and for the pleasure of teaching. but also for the many perks that come in between. As you experienced this country, you also treated me to some of my country's best. You even made me appreciate my own culture better. You treated me to days' worth of dinners, lunches, breakfasts, to stays in hotel suites, and brought many souvenirs. More than all of that, it was your kindness, your politeness, that I cherished the most, the satisfaction of a genuine, meaningful connection that I made in my life.

As I profoundly admire your culture, the thought of bringing the food from you country and cooking it here was a remarkable gesture. More than a guest, tonight, you are my mother and my sister from another country.

The soft yellow lights of the suite glowed on our faces. In a zealous chorus, we slurped the cold soba. I sprinkled wasabi salt on ebi tempura, tried the umeboshi, with beer and later, first-harvest green tea. You flatter me in saying that I used hashi better than many. The table was alive with conversations. Ayala Avenue's rush hour traffic had its own cacophony below us, and while the Makati skyline is spectacular it will never be Tokyo. But your cooking, and the companionship that came with was a Dokodemo door. I just walked into someone's home, and felt for a while that I belong.

Raise High

When you're happy and you know it, you become vulnerable. Clap you your hands. The monsoon rains are here and the roof gutters have overflown. They're angrily pounding against our polycarbonate sheets, and it makes me crack up inside. The floor tiles are loose. I felt as if this castle of meanings is under attack. D. patiently sweeps up, sanitizes and I help after work, and patch things up with industry-grade sealants. I wish I could do more, for her.

I heard something today, just when the rains stopped going crazy. Love is a river. Swim to the end. 

It's a quiet night. And because I've been busy with business and busier with being a happy husband and father in this rainy season, I haven't been running much lately. In one of the classes today, I was told that "we get less lonely if we move our thighs more." Strange things the students tell me in seemingly perfect timing. Epiphanies appear like rainbows when the rain clears.

The carpenters are coming to fix the roof. Raise your dreams.

Last Three Reads

Salmonella Men on Planet Porno
Yasutaka Tsutsui

T., a student of mine who writes novels, once told me about his dream. "I dreamt that I was eating my own body." He asks me if I believe in ghosts or UFOs, and I usually tell him (I may have been borrowing from Popper) that it might be something that science cannot explain right now, but eventually will.

I asked him what book he was reading and he told me about Tsutsui. I scored a few of his books and started with a collection of short stories, Salmonella Men on Planet Porno. It's a spectacular blend of sex, science and storytelling. It's terrible to compare a book to a TV show, but it was strongly reminiscent of Black Mirror. If Black Mirror was a reminder of how we are enslaved by technology, Salmonella is an agitation of our mediocrity. Women, however, were very negatively depicted.

The Pond
Ha Jin

A few months ago, during an afternoon break, we let our fingers flip through the titles at the Big Bad Wolf book sale. It was irresistible. An entire convention center was full of crisp, newly minted copies for the price of pre-loved books. There are books for everyone in the family, but the children's books had the most impressive collections at more affordable prices.

I got Ha Jin's the Pond from that book sale. This is a gripping tale of artist who stands up for his principles, persists on his principles, despite being confronted by political and spiritual corruption. He battles with his brush as his sword. I am convinced that Ha Jin is writing with authentic detail when he described the smell of a person's behind. The protagonist suffered so much that you had to read to the end to find out if he is still suffering.

He who fights with monsters must always be reminded, "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.

Hamlet
William Shakespeare
*No Fear Shakespeare Version

I scour second-hand online stores for books because that in itself is fun. I'm always very selective in what I buy, if not just stingy.

The No-Fear Shakespeare series appealed to me because I could never find it in ebook versions and the side-by-side (original text + modern translation) layout makes me feel less of a fool. The No-Fear Shakespeare series appealed to me because I could nev'r findeth t in ebook versions and the side-by-side (original text  + modern translation) layout maketh me feeleth less of a fool.  

While summaries and quotations of Shakespeare texts are abound in the internet, I read his works as much as I can because the experience of reading, especially Shakespeare, is in itself fun.

V. is Chu

When you turned two, your toes met the sand, you shook hands with the water, you were kissed by the sun. You made sand castles. And I told you crazy, fantastic things fathers tell their daughters. I will never be tired of loving you, feisty and charming V.

We didn't have to go very far. This beach was a scenic, 3.5 hour drive with a brunch stop at Tagaytay. It's a pampered beach experience, as D. puts it. We kept saying how this was just as spectacular as the trips we've made to Hong Kong or Boracay. Because even if those experiences were irreplaceable we know why this one was just as awesome.  

There were four of us. Even the sandcastles you made were all real. Perhaps you won't remember it, but it's in your heart now. Happy Second, V. You and your kuya make our lives more terrific everyday.