Conversations with an 8-year old

Walking home from school.

Son: What's that enormous tree?
Father: It's a banana tree.
Son: Why is it so enormous?
Father: Why are you so tiny?
Son: Well, it's a combination of genetics and my protein intake.
Father: Good answer.

How I Ended Up Not Killing Myself

My apologies to the many people who are suffering from depression. None of whom are probably reading this. I write this for me, and with purest intentions for people other than me who might have come across the same thoughts. And forgive me for drawing so much attention to myself. 

How? I imagined I was dead. A soul hovering over my life on a day like today, like the past few days, or the past few years.

I drank a few bottles with D. some nights ago and we finished a bag of chips, reviewing, reminiscing our day, assessing, analyzing, almost as if praying for ourselves. It's been fifteen years, our love has reached a level that neither artificial intelligence nor human intelligence can fathom.

I spend an incredible amount of time with my children. V. could almost form whole sentences. She stares at you with eyes that would make any soul sparkle. I walked with I. again from his school today. He's already more brilliant than I am and I want to keep bearing witness to this brilliance.

I walk a lot, and perhaps it's true that you avoid depression if you move your legs more. It is my privilege to run often. 56 km so far this month, and there's 12 more days of October.

Work is not always easy but it is unbelievably good. I've established genuine connections with people, done right from a desk at home, swimming through as data in undersea fiber-optic cables.

I sometimes/often drink at night, but always in moderate amounts as I can't have the privilege of hangovers. I Netflix often, read the books sometimes, and write all too rarely.

Tonight was vodka and soda water. It's wonderful, light, yet clear with what it wants to accomplish. The right level of relaxed, mindful tipsiness. Unlike beer or whisky, there's no obvious flavor apart from the subtle hint of alcohol. But it softens your limbs, cools you down and wipes the weariness away.

Look at that journal. Do one thing every day that scares you. I haven't killed myself. That should be enough.

Life is incredibly unreal, my hovering soul says.