Exchanges with T.

Dear Tomiko-san,

Thank you for the opportunity to visit you at your beautiful home. The dinner was fantastic, especially the tofu and mixed rice! Seeing you and tasting your cooking filled my heart with joy. Hearing you take part in such a sophisticated English conversation also makes me happy to be your teacher.

I especially enjoyed meeting Mr. Tanaka. He is such a gentleman! I am honored to have shared a meal and a wonderful drink of sake with him. I will treasure it for life.

Thank you as well for the souvenirs. I look forward to speaking with you again on Thursday!

P.S. We forgot to take a picture together! We were very busy talking and enjoying dinner. :)


Dear J-san 

I think you already got back home and enjoying with your family.
Despite you are so busy, thank you for visiting my home.
One disappointing thing is we didn’t have much time.
But we enjoyed drinking eating and chatting a lot. My husband said that you are so nice guy!
I always tell him that “J-san is so nice personality”. 
Anyway he had a great time with you!
And thanks pretty picture books for my granddaughters.
Let’s  talk about continuation next Thursday.
Good bye.



Good morning J-san. 

I took a walk this morning and took some photos.
You could not see autumn leaves in Ohyama mountain area.
Here are some photos. 
Top is the view from persimmons field.
Second is 50m upper from my house.
Last is my garden. It’s Japan azalea Which turned red.
You came here at night so you can’t see the autumn leaves.

I would be happy if you enjoyed these photos even a little.

We are in this flight

We are here because
We just now have discovered
We are birds in flight

On Contentment

For those of us who
do not seek fame or fortune
autumn is enough

Conversations with an 8-year old

Walking home from school.

Son: What's that enormous tree?
Father: It's a banana tree.
Son: Why is it so enormous?
Father: Why are you so tiny?
Son: Well, it's a combination of genetics and my protein intake.
Father: Good answer.

How I Ended Up Not Killing Myself

My apologies to the many people who are suffering from depression. None of whom are probably reading this. I write this for me, and with purest intentions for people other than me who might have come across the same thoughts. And forgive me for drawing so much attention to myself. 

How? I imagined I was dead. A soul hovering over my life on a day like today, like the past few days, or the past few years.

I drank a few bottles with D. some nights ago and we finished a bag of chips, reviewing, reminiscing our day, assessing, analyzing, almost as if praying for ourselves. It's been fifteen years, our love has reached a level that neither artificial intelligence nor human intelligence can fathom.

I spend an incredible amount of time with my children. V. could almost form whole sentences. She stares at you with eyes that would make any soul sparkle. I walked with I. again from his school today. He's already more brilliant than I am and I want to keep bearing witness to this brilliance.

I walk a lot, and perhaps it's true that you avoid depression if you move your legs more. It is my privilege to run often. 56 km so far this month, and there's 12 more days of October.

Work is not always easy but it is unbelievably good. I've established genuine connections with people, done right from a desk at home, swimming through as data in undersea fiber-optic cables.

I sometimes/often drink at night, but always in moderate amounts as I can't have the privilege of hangovers. I Netflix often, read the books sometimes, and write all too rarely.

Tonight was vodka and soda water. It's wonderful, light, yet clear with what it wants to accomplish. The right level of relaxed, mindful tipsiness. Unlike beer or whisky, there's no obvious flavor apart from the subtle hint of alcohol. But it softens your limbs, cools you down and wipes the weariness away.

Look at that journal. Do one thing every day that scares you. I haven't killed myself. That should be enough.

Life is incredibly unreal, my hovering soul says.

Business Review

There are no empty spaces between the hours of the day. But I'm not burning a candle on both ends. And I'm not burning out.

The first Saturday class begins at 8am. Today, we discuss a Business Insider article about workspaces. T. talks about a leading beer company's headquarters in Tokyo. The highlight of which is an "affordable" beer-on-tap and Nika whisky (relative to the beer prices in Azakusa), along with the whole roster of drinks the company brews.

On the next class, O talks about his recent trip to the company HQ in Germany. He sends me some photos. He's a high-level executive at an ERP solutions company, the third largest in software related services. He's been a student for two years, a promoter who's endorsed some referrals.

M.'s absent today so I get to enjoy an un-rushed breakfast of dilis, fried rice, hotdogs and eggs. An hour or so more of morning classes then I'll be picking up the laundry then up on the roof cleaning the drain pipes, patching up leaks with quick-dry sealants. I'm calling the co-working space companies to reserve a seat.

We're off to a play in the afternoon and V. and I. look terrific in their Sunday-best outfits. We're watching Repertory Philippines' Rapunzel, sponsored by D.'s high school.  We head off to greenbelt, but before watching the play I've got 2 hours of classes at a co-working space in Paseo de Roxas, just a few hundred meters away from Greenbelt. They are closed on Saturdays, but a Senior Marketing Manager was kind enough to accommodate me in a conference room in time for the 230 class.

I finish in time to make it to the 430 curtain. It's been a while since I've watched a Repertory Philippines play and I just realized how strange the English accents are. Maybe I sound just as strange as that.

V.'s too young for this play so we walk along Greenbelt. It's like a satellite date on a family date and I'm feeling over the moon. We go to a toy store and I show her toy giraffes, crocodiles, pandas and dinosaurs. We share a bag of 40-peso mini donuts. We head back home, driving thru McDonald's for dinner because we're rushing and for the 7pm class. I. stays in the room with me and I can smell his McDonald's fart.

I finish early tonight. I spend a few minutes to look at some pictures of places this job, or rather, my own business has taken me.

And I'm taking this cheap laptop of mine to Japan in November. I buy a drink, play lofi hiphop, wondering how differently would beer taste like in an Izakaya.

Weary or Wise

Books. How they remind you how to both think and feel.

Running. How it proves that pain is conquerable, that you you can overcome. Sometimes even with ease.

Pantheism. How we are everything. How our boundless joy is just as terrifying as endless sorrow.

If a younger or a wiser man read Siddhartha (Herman Hesse) earlier in life, perhaps he would have sat under a tree and contemplated upon asceticism, Buddhism, critiquing modernity, loquacious living or the misinterpretation of religious teachings. He would have dug deep into the whys with full use of his faculties. Probably getting many things wrong.

Jairus, 37 years, sees himself as the ferryman. He's listening to what other people are saying, he wants to listen to what the river is saying. He's hasn't quite figured it out yet.

I still fancy highlighting some beautiful annotations.I am still fascinated by words, but I don't think I'm any wiser now. But I'm just certainly less tired.

The Rumbling Inside

a volcano burns
all the bottled up what-ifs
spewing it all

When my loved ones are asleep, it's terrific to be back in this island.

I dig up time capsules with the help of blue note jazz, grunge, chillout. I travel to contemporary Egypt by way of a book. I drink one drink that won't get me drunk.

I discover more of who I am, in this river that keeps changing. Now that I managed to rid my life of so many stresses, I don't want to spoil myself. Do more for D., for V., for I. For others. For my country. Yes, I think of them in this island.

I look at what I have, it's not so much. But how I love it all. How I'm no longer rumbling with the what-ifs.

(Undelivered) Groom's Man Speech

from the viber archives

I stand here alone, but I also carry the many well-wishes from where I come from, friends and relatives who love J. like a brother, and who would given M. the warmest welcome and best wishes on this most special day. When he was young, J. has taught me many things. He also shared his toys, his family computer, and we shared many experiences that taught me about life. He has always shared his happiness, and that it is possible to live life while having so much laughter. Because of M., J. is the luckiest person we know.

J. and M. find themselves here today, on the threshold of a new life in which their destinies, which began in different parts of the world, are about to be entwined for the rest of their days.

 Enjoy each other, J. and M. Enjoy the rest of your lives as you have enjoyed this day.

They Honor Their Hosts

I have always been grateful not only for the honor and for the pleasure of teaching. but also for the many perks that come in between. As you experienced this country, you also treated me to some of my country's best. You even made me appreciate my own culture better. You treated me to days' worth of dinners, lunches, breakfasts, to stays in hotel suites, and brought many souvenirs. More than all of that, it was your kindness, your politeness, that I cherished the most, the satisfaction of a genuine, meaningful connection that I made in my life.

As I profoundly admire your culture, the thought of bringing the food from you country and cooking it here was a remarkable gesture. More than a guest, tonight, you are my mother and my sister from another country.

The soft yellow lights of the suite glowed on our faces. In a zealous chorus, we slurped the cold soba. I sprinkled wasabi salt on ebi tempura, tried the umeboshi, with beer and later, first-harvest green tea. You flatter me in saying that I used hashi better than many. The table was alive with conversations. Ayala Avenue's rush hour traffic had its own cacophony below us, and while the Makati skyline is spectacular it will never be Tokyo. But your cooking, and the companionship that came with was a Dokodemo door. I just walked into someone's home, and felt for a while that I belong.

Raise High

When you're happy and you know it, you become vulnerable. Clap you your hands. The monsoon rains are here and the roof gutters have overflown. They're angrily pounding against our polycarbonate sheets, and it makes me crack up inside. The floor tiles are loose. I felt as if this castle of meanings is under attack. D. patiently sweeps up, sanitizes and I help after work, and patch things up with industry-grade sealants. I wish I could do more, for her.

I heard something today, just when the rains stopped going crazy. Love is a river. Swim to the end. 

It's a quiet night. And because I've been busy with business and busier with being a happy husband and father in this rainy season, I haven't been running much lately. In one of the classes today, I was told that "we get less lonely if we move our thighs more." Strange things the students tell me in seemingly perfect timing. Epiphanies appear like rainbows when the rain clears.

The carpenters are coming to fix the roof. Raise your dreams.

Last Three Reads

Salmonella Men on Planet Porno
Yasutaka Tsutsui

T., a student of mine who writes novels, once told me about his dream. "I dreamt that I was eating my own body." He asks me if I believe in ghosts or UFOs, and I usually tell him (I may have been borrowing from Popper) that it might be something that science cannot explain right now, but eventually will.

I asked him what book he was reading and he told me about Tsutsui. I scored a few of his books and started with a collection of short stories, Salmonella Men on Planet Porno. It's a spectacular blend of sex, science and storytelling. It's terrible to compare a book to a TV show, but it was strongly reminiscent of Black Mirror. If Black Mirror was a reminder of how we are enslaved by technology, Salmonella is an agitation of our mediocrity. Women, however, were very negatively depicted.

The Pond
Ha Jin

A few months ago, during an afternoon break, we let our fingers flip through the titles at the Big Bad Wolf book sale. It was irresistible. An entire convention center was full of crisp, newly minted copies for the price of pre-loved books. There are books for everyone in the family, but the children's books had the most impressive collections at more affordable prices.

I got Ha Jin's the Pond from that book sale. This is a gripping tale of artist who stands up for his principles, persists on his principles, despite being confronted by political and spiritual corruption. He battles with his brush as his sword. I am convinced that Ha Jin is writing with authentic detail when he described the smell of a person's behind. The protagonist suffered so much that you had to read to the end to find out if he is still suffering.

He who fights with monsters must always be reminded, "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.

Hamlet
William Shakespeare
*No Fear Shakespeare Version

I scour second-hand online stores for books because that in itself is fun. I'm always very selective in what I buy, if not just stingy.

The No-Fear Shakespeare series appealed to me because I could never find it in ebook versions and the side-by-side (original text + modern translation) layout makes me feel less of a fool. The No-Fear Shakespeare series appealed to me because I could nev'r findeth t in ebook versions and the side-by-side (original text  + modern translation) layout maketh me feeleth less of a fool.  

While summaries and quotations of Shakespeare texts are abound in the internet, I read his works as much as I can because the experience of reading, especially Shakespeare, is in itself fun.

V. is Chu

When you turned two, your toes met the sand, you shook hands with the water, you were kissed by the sun. You made sand castles. And I told you crazy, fantastic things fathers tell their daughters. I will never be tired of loving you, feisty and charming V.

We didn't have to go very far. This beach was a scenic, 3.5 hour drive with a brunch stop at Tagaytay. It's a pampered beach experience, as D. puts it. We kept saying how this was just as spectacular as the trips we've made to Hong Kong or Boracay. Because even if those experiences were irreplaceable we know why this one was just as awesome.  

There were four of us. Even the sandcastles you made were all real. Perhaps you won't remember it, but it's in your heart now. Happy Second, V. You and your kuya make our lives more terrific everyday. 

You, Nietzsche and Pigs

One of the many reasons why women are the better of our species is because of their ability to intuit. Nietzsche was wrong about women, but you can still learn from the experience of reading him, and then do much better.

Everyday you bring us the deepest sense of fulfilment in having a toddler who is feisty and adorable, perceptive and nurturing. You bring your favorite book to me and you fall on my lap. You share your candy, we share our greek yogurt.

We watch Peppa Pig and we laugh with our whole body, flat on the bed, our feet wiggling in the air.

Cycling through Time

Five years in between these two pictures. It's as if time is non-linear, we experience everything together.

At age 3, you could barely speak straight. At almost 8, you say things like "I didn't mean literally" or "what an abomination."





Today, we biked together. I think you'll have good stories to tell.

No worries.

I start to worry if I stop recounting and retelling these many joys. Besides, I'm not flaunting them. I only tell them to myself. I worry that I go through life uncomplainingly these days.

I worry that I successfully bag my desires (now I have a bag of small achieved desires), while others don't. While many in my country, in the world, suffer. I worry that I've become mediocre. I might as well fill my pockets with these desires as stones that will take me down a river.

I worry that a state of equilibrium is always bound for agitation, like a calm before the storm, or worse, a crumbling at the slightest stirring.

I worried that I drank too much, so I stayed sober. It's been almost 30 days now and I feel like I can sustain this sobriety. I ran 93.1km in the past four weeks.

Finally, I realized that I am thankful for these worries. If it wasn't for them, I would have kept my own life unexamined. I know for sure that my decisions aren't just a reaction to life's worries. It is a pursuit of life itself.

I worry, yes, but more importantly, I will. I will say yes to life. Yes, I will, yes.

and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. 

Almost Two

in 100 words

It's only been two summers, enough time to know that you will always remain beautiful and complicated. Those eyes with which you stare deeply, determinedly as though you can peer through our souls. Your laughter is as brilliant as sunshine. With you, we see the world more brilliantly.

Your mother has been with you for nearly every second of your life. And me too, except when I'm in the other room working, or when I'm out running or on an errand. Your brother too, who's already helping us with you, reading with you.

Yes, me, even more less of myself.

These Two

V. 

you, me and greek yogurt

I brought you a cup of Greek yogurt. The expensive kind, but also the inexpensive kind because it was sold at half the price being one month away from expiration. Nobody wanted it from this part of town. I spooned into the cup and slid it gently to your mouth . You exclaimed with a satisfied, smiling mmmmmm.

We fed each other, spread over a few days, cup after cup.


I.

on a Friday night

You discovered what mom and dad do at night. "Oh, so this is what you do when V. and I fall asleep. You clean up and wash dishes and have conversations." A few weeks went by, and you say, "I'll be staying up late to join your conversation."

Oh, the things you say.

Drinking Alone, Drinking the Ocean

Delicious ocean.
It devoured me, this ocean,
Delighted, this ocean.