The Pope Francis frenzy filled Manila's streets. He arrived a day before you decided to make your way into the world, rather too soon to come out of your mother's womb. The apostolic nunciature is less than a kilometer away from our house and when the pope's motorcade passes by, people come out to see him wave from his vehicle. Seven million of our countrymen heard him say mass. And while we weren't one of them, we follow him and believed profoundly in his crusade against greed in the form of the economic and political systems. And while we frowned upon his conservative views on gay marriage, he did open the doors of the church to other religions, atheists, and scientific ideas. We were touched by his genuine compassion for workers and the poor. The pope is also coming out with an encyclical in support of action against climate change.
We didn't know then if we were having a boy or a girl, but we knew Pope Francis would be your namesake. And little I. was right, he would have had a brother.
I was wrong about a thing or two. I saw D.'s pregnancy as a fragile one and as she wasn't as young, I thought she wasn't as strong as before. Seeing her bleed life out, I realized that she is strong as ever. We were ready, I thought. But we weren't ready for you leaving us before you can grace our lives. We weren't ready to fall off the cusp of our happiness.
We may try again, our doctor says. And one day things might even appear normal. We will mend, but there will be a special, empty chamber in our hearts that will always be meant for you. We will be peppered by what-ifs, both regretting what wasn't meant to be and thinking about reaping the joys of what could have been. I know because I live this way. I had a brother who was born and died the same day. I took his name, wrote as him.
We live our lives not just as our own.
